I love watching the air crash investigation show and the part I look forward to most is hearing the last words the pilots mutter before they meet their maker.
My absolute favourite is the pilot who muttered just four words “this is it, baby”.
I know you are wondering where I’m going with this but see, just recently I had a near-death experience when a lorry almost rammed my taxi. And I remember the last words I thought just before I closed my eyes to take the trip to the land beyond were “at least I’m wearing good underwear”. For real!
Girl, always wear clean and nice underwear at all times. That is some solid advice I received when I was young. You just never know when you might need to be rushed to the ER for some emergency that requires your clothes to be cut off.
Besides, your underwear says a lot about you, about how you do things and the kind of person you are.
For starters, panties determine if you are going to have the best night of your life or the very worst. For one I know if a man’s girlfriend comes over for a visit and they have on some beige monstrosity inside their dress, that flag will never be lowered no matter how turned on she is.
And worse is when the panties have that stubborn yellow stain that reeks of old urine, my brother that is the day you will understand the true meaning of “so near yet so far” because you will never see those lands even when they are right in front of you. Her legs will be more crisscrossed than bougainvillaea branches.
But men are also notorious for breaking all innerwear rules. I’m particularly suspicious about men who clasp both the trousers and undies and undress in one quick swoosh. They will never allow you the satisfaction of removing their innerwear using your teeth because they are embarrassed by you seeing those cowboy briefs that they’ve worn since high school. Talk of killers of romance!
These are the men who prefer to wear their undies unwashed until they are too frayed that they can feel the breeze on their butt cheeks before they buy another. How many times have we seen men bending down to change a tire and when the trouser drops a few centimetres below the waistline, what’s sticks out is underwear that looks like it was passed through a shredder?
Remember good underwear can also spice up the romance in the bedroom when it’s dead. I guess there comes a moment when the dear husband will no longer rise to the occasion because he is pretty sick and tired of seeing that pair of white maternity panties that has since turned brown because it was bought during the birth of your now teenage son. Yes, they might be comfortable but they really need to go.
New sexy underwear could change things in an instant since other than being all sexy, it uplifts the wearer’s moods and gives her unimaginable confidence. And who doesn’t love a confident woman?
Away from the bedroom, panties also define your fashion sense. It doesn’t sit well when a woman is wearing a well-fitting body-con dress but we can visibly see ugly panty lines begging for attention.
Unfortunately, panties and toothbrushes are the most overlooked commodities in the house yet they are so important. Most Kenyans buy panties by chance, it’s never a thought out process. And that is a crying shame.
For the sake of the sanity of those nurses in the ER, let’s spare them unnecessary trauma when they have to cut off our clothes and are met by ugly crocheted undies that you inherited from your favourite grandmother.